Life (updated)

Kingdom Carrier directed me over to this page, and I, after reading this, have to say that I'm glad he did. Please forgive me if I repeat anything already said - I've only glanced over the above comments. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on the style of this piece. You've succeeded in making it convincing, here, and that really is an accomplishment. I admit that I was a bit dubious when I started reading; I was worried that I was going to end up in a forest of archaic language too tangled up within itself to make much sense. But you've pleasantly surprised me, June, and this was a pleasure to read. The fact that your voice stayed consistent throughout really is a point in your favor - it lets the reader get acclimated to the voice all at once. Also, your imagery is very beautiful. The word delicate comes to mind, clear.


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There isn't very much I can think of to critique, as far as the story itself goes. It's a very promising opening, and I lack things to nit-pick, haha. I'll stick more towards the syntax and flow. ^_^

Things You May Want To Look At:

If "Of Fa’Maana Temple, and what lies there" is your chapter title, you may want to differentiate it a bit from the rest of the text. Capitalize the entire line, perhaps, or put it in bold/italics. Otherwise it blends in, looks too much like a random sentence flung towards the top of the page.

You want to watch your run-on sentences. I'm going to quote Imp's favorite saying [when she's speaking to me, that is] and call it just a slight bit 'Dostoyevsky-esque'. Try to steer clear of using the overly lengthy sentences too frequently, if you can. They're fine in moderation, but when used all at once, they can become a bit daunting.

Below are some line-by-line suggestions: the green is in-text adjustments, the dark blue are comments.

Though there [s]would be[/s] are many [s]a[/s] ways to begin a tale [s]of such[/s] such as this, I choose [s]this[/s] the following, for the temple of the Ajtéan goddess Fa’Maana is a sacred one, though it stands in ruin. [The ending of this sentence doesn't seem to fit; your line of thought appears broken, unfinished. You're saying that you chose to tell this story a certain way because the temple of Fa'Maana is sacred? ... Splitting that line into two separate thoughts and thus, sentences, might go a long way in clarifying.] Year upon year did the ever-growing forestry lay claim to the temple’s back walls as vines crept along them, leaving behind them [s]arrays[/s] clumps of bright orange flowers [s]in bouquet-like clumps[/s].

In the middle of the floor sat the granite statue of Fa’Maana, her lower snake half coiling around her base to meet the vines that slowly claimed her [s]as well[/s] ['As well' as what? There's no comparison, you can do away with it]. She reached towards the sky, her head held high, [s]though[/s] her eyes [s]remained[/s] closed and her palms outstretched and open.

Deeper [s]down into the underground of[/s] beneath the temple was a barren chamber, brightly lit [s]from[/s] with sunlight that had no source [s]nonexistent sunlight[/s] [?]. It was almost completely untouched by the outside; [s]with[/s] the only sign that [s]there was such a thing as[/s] the outside existed at all was the [s]an[/s] ancient tree whose bright pink blossoms drooped over the silken sheets of the [s]small[/s] [If you can help it, you don't want to use the same adjective - in this case, 'small' - twice within the same paragraph. You use it a line down to describe the paintings, so kill it here.] bed. [s]with bright pink ever blossoms that drooped over a small bed draped in silken sheets.[/s] The room itself had a high ceiling [s]with small paintings all around the walls[/s] and walls adorned with small paintings which were circular and painted a light yellow that looked white in the light.

Many [s]left[/s] regarded [?] the room as if it weren’t there, some [s]not knowing it existed at all[/s] were unaware of its existance entirely, and others [s]who[/s] simply detested the so-called monster who inhabited the room. While many had never seen the girl who lived there in the chambers, [s]still[/s] rumors and mysteries surrounded it and blossomed into fear, which then grew into hatred for [s]the[/s] a thing they’d never seen, [s]or that they knew to be true for that matter[/s]. [Superfluous ending to the line.]

The monster who lived there, though ridiculed and hated for the thing she was, loved all the beings of that world, just as she loved her home. [s]of[/s] Juhn was in the marvelous country of Zanoma, high in the nameless mountains that lay far, far south of Dunart, [s]with its[/s] skulls [s]that hung[/s] hanging from its darkened, pointed gates. Between the two was the closer neighbor of Pagona from which the vines came, [s]and[/s] with its winding rivers and bright fires that glowed nightly [s]and the beating[/s] beat of their festival drums.

It was from these forests, a place the Avohwé protected with great pride, that a young man made the trek to Zanoma through enemy territory. He stood straight-backed with a long sword slung over his back ,[s]and[/s] a gun in the holster [s]on the left of[/s] at his hip and his hair [s]stayed[/s] tucked [s]under[/s] beneath a black and silver army-styled hat. He stood a testament to the grand country that was Dunart and of the Rhujattan people for whom he wore the Ouroborous.

The snake who ate his own tail was burned into the back of his neck, staining, marking him forever as a soldier under Dunart. It was a [s]A[/s] title that he, as his father once had, wore proudly, and would wear until the day he died.

Under the darkened eaves of the forestry, he quickened his pace through the familiar maze-like roots and walls of [s]the[/s] thickly packed trees [s]created nearer the end[/s]. From farther to his right he could smell fires, as [s]could always be seen[/s] were always commonplace [One can't see smell, yeah?] in Pagona late into the night. [s]For these people, he held no fear or hatred, surprising to many in his own clan[/s]. Unlike many in his own clan, he bore no fear or hatred for these people.

He smiled, and for he could hear the squealing laughter of a dear friend’s young daughter. After a moment more of walking, he came into a small clearing where he could see the twilight-drenched sky, mix[s]ing[/s]ed arrays of pinks with plum, orange, and a slight yellow that would fade fast. He only smiled, and turned on his heel [s]right, into[/s] in the direction of the hypnotizing drum beats.

Oh...
Hannah. I like it.
Try to keep info like that private...

Kingdom Carrier wrote:I'm glad that you decided to add to it, but I really wanna know more about this monster!

I think you need to add a little more feeling to it. Also, you need to make sure you proofread carefully when you get done. For instance:

He stood straight-backed with a long sword slung over his back and a gun in the holster on the left of his hip and his hair stayed tucked under a black and silver army styled hat.

Add a couple of commas and separate the sentences. Try:

He stood straight-backed with a long sword slung over his back, in the holster to his left side, a gun. His hair stayed tucked under a black and silver army-style hat.

Send me a couple of PM's, o.k.? I'll notify a friend of your revision.

I'm glad that you decided to add to it, but I really wanna know more about this monster!

I think you need to add a little more feeling to it. Also, you need to make sure you proofread carefully when you get done. For instance:

He stood straight-backed with a long sword slung over his back and a gun in the holster on the left of his hip and his hair stayed tucked under a black and silver army styled hat.

He stood straight-backed with a long sword slung over his back, in the holster to his left side, a gun. His hair stayed tucked under a black and silver army-style hat.

You really have to read a story at least twice before you realize certain things about it. It's pretty, but like you said, trippy. I especially like this:

Year upon year did the ever growing forestry lay claim to the temple’s back walls as vines crept along them, leaving arrays of bright orange flowers in bouquet-like clumps.

In the middle of the floor sat the granite statue of Fa’Maana, her lower snake half coiling around her base to meet the vines that slowly claimed her as well. She reached to the sky, her head held high though her eyes remained closed and her palms outstretched and open.

Deeper down into the underground of the temple was a barren chamber, brightly lit from nonexistent sunlight. It was almost completely untouched by the outside, with the only sign that there was such a thing as the outside was an ancient tree with bright pink ever blossoms that drooped over a small bed draped in silken sheets. The room itself had a high ceiling with small paintings all around the walls, which were circular and painted a light yellow that looked white in the light.

I think it's an interesting concept, but it seems a bit like an info-dump to be also. Is this meant to be a prologue or just a chapter or a random snippet? I couldn't really tell...anyways I still think it's interesting, but it's a bit wordy. I do like your writing style though it's refreshing.

Wow. Posting a story online makes you seem a lot smarter.

Your story is great, and it drags the reader into the beginning of a fantasy, but you definitely need to be careful you don't go overboard. I do agree what you said before about it being "trippy" . It sounds like a great saga beginning to unfold, but I have to say I agree :

Adam_Atlantian wrote:
It's not bad, a little info dumped, but you set it up like that. I personally prefer to be introduced the characters and let them reveal the world they live in. It would help to see the finished product. I don't want to pass judgment on this yet, since it is not fully completed.

The wording and descriptions are good, i just need more to get involved in your story. I think you started to show us something to relate to, but then you stopped.

Good luck.

You know I like you stories (and artwork, duh! ). send me some PMs and reviews for Aurali, okay?



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Adam_Atlantian wrote:It's not bad, a little info dumped, but you set it up like that. I personally perfer to be introduced the characters and let them reveal the world they live in. It would help to see the finished product. I dont want to pass judgement on this yet, since it is not fully completed.

The wording and descriptions are good, i just need more to get involved in your story. I think you started to show us something to relate to, but then you stopped.

Good luck.

Claudette wrote:Hello!

I made your line smaller, alright? Try not to use really long lines because they freak out the front page and then Nate [s]wants to butcher us[/s] gives us candy.

Hello!

I made your line smaller, alright? Try not to use really long lines because they freak out the front page and then Nate [s]wants to butcher us[/s] gives us candy.

It's not bad, a little info dumped, but you set it up like that. I personally perfer to be introduced the characters and let them reveal the world they live in. It would help to see the finished product. I dont want to pass judgement on this yet, since it is not fully completed.

The wording and descriptions are good, i just need more to get involved in your story. I think you started to show us something to relate to, but then you stopped.

Good luck.